MOVIES THAT KEPT ME OUT OF JAIL

Listening to: “Don’t Talk To Me” by G.G. Allin & The Jabbers

Disclaimer: This post is about the butt and it’s desire to keep foreign objects from entering into it.

No one deserves to get sodomized against their will. Well... almost nobody.

I remember the first time I heard about the shenanigans that happen in the big house. I thought it was a joke cause there’s no way that happens in there. But it’s true. It’s twue, it’s twue. Yikes! And there’s nothing like a movie about jail to get my synapses popping and saying “Hey Kash, don’t go to jail, because they will rape your tender bottom.” I tensed up now just thinking about it. So here we are cadets. Five movies to keep you on the straight and narrow or just enough so you cover your tracks and don’t get caught.

5. Carandiru
This little slice of heaven was made in the actual Carandiru Penitentiary, which was the biggest prison in Latin America. Told through the narration of a local doctor who was hired by the Carandiru Correctional Facility to monitor the spread of HIV within the jail, Carandiru recreates the astonishingly poor and overcrowded conditions at Brazil's most populated jail. As the film progresses, the hierarchy of the gang system is explored, culminating in an infamous prison riot that leaves 111 inmates dead and a facility in the midst of a public relations nightmare.
 

This is the smelliest timeout ever.

So for me it’s a combination of seeing the 111 prisoners die; 102 at the hand of police and the spreading of HIV throughout the jail. It’s not so much what you see in the film, though the riot was very intense. But it’s the insinuated assault of rape, constant needle sharing, police brutality and overall lack of caring anymore from the prisoners. I’d rather have a coke and smile. Sounds way better than a Brazilian jail.

4. Midnight Express

      So let’s say you’re in Turkey, hanging out with your lady,  getting shitfaced and having a blast. It’s time to head home & there’s only one problem - You’ve got too much hash! We’ve all been there. So what do you do, do you find some guy and make his week or do you shove it up your rump and bring it home to smoke with your pals? If you said the rump, you probably shouldn’t travel. Ever.

"It's horrible in here! We have to use air ports... the internet is so slow... Now show me your titties."

Midnight Express. What a flick. This guy Billy gets thrown in jail,  convinced that it’ll be short wait and is left to rot. Think about that. The Turkish authorities want to make an example of you and decide you have to spend the rest of your life behind their bars. Your lady comes to visit you and you’re so far gone all you can do ask to see her titties so you can rub one out. You're  so alone you develop a love relationship with another dude locked up in there so you won’t go insane. You two often make out and I’m sure you both have bad breath and BO. I don’t wanna spoil the outcome in the random chance that you haven't seen it but it is an amazing movie. So catch it. But not in the rump... unless you’re into it.

3. The Shawshank Redemption
We’ve all seen this movie right? It’s great I know... I read the original story by Stephen King and besides the title (Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption) there’s not too many differences. But that dude who’s fucking with Andy from day one is just creepy. Mark Rolston, the blonde guy who’s always giving him a hard time, should have gotten an Oscar for being so gross. He makes it abundantly clear to his prison mates and the viewer that he really likes rape. Cool sidebar - he was Drake from Aliens. Awesome.

This is how bad the sodomy is in Shawshank. Poor bastard won't ever walk right again...

Anyways getting back to it, the movie worked as a total “scared straight” tool for me.  Not just for the rape, but for the ending. So Andy is so fed up and he’s been carving his way out of his cell on the sly for years with a spoon and dug a huge tunnel. Very stealthy and impressive. He gets to the main drain pipe that he can gain freedom by crawling through. He then travels through miles of the prison’s sewer system. Goddamn. Probably full of vomit, piss, shit and blood. Ugh. If you don’t know me personally, you don’t know that I have issues with poop. Not dog poop or anything like that, but human poop... (gag.) The crazy thing is I would make the escape attempt too. So I remind myself of that every time I consider robbing a bank. So it’s at least three times a day.

2. American Me
Okay, you're in LA & let’s say you and your pal who happens to be Mexican are drinking beers in the parking lot  after a show. You guys are wasted and suddenly, a cop drives up and decides he’s gonna mess with you little twerps. Your buddy Carlos, unaware the guy is a cop swings at him after he’s called a derogatory name. The cop throws the cuffs on him for aggravated assault and you for association. So now you both are put into county jail, a great time to have a friend but you two can’t talk anymore. Why? Cause if you go to jail in California, you have to stick with your race. Don’t and the other members of your race will beat the color of you. Then you’ll be flying solo.

These guys want to know where the closest train is... Wait. I know what that means! Run!

American Me is a great movie. It depicts a fictionalized account of the founding and rise to power of the Mexican Mafia in the California prison system from the 1950s into the 1980s. Edward James Olmos directed and started in the main role. Plus he rhymes when he does the main narration. It’s pretty goddamn funny. You can make a drinking game out of it because it happens so randomly. One scene in particular kept me on the straight and narrow though. “The Rice Scene”. If you know what I’m talking about you probably just made a noise of discomfort. So there’s this guy who happens to be the son of an Italian mafia Don and he’s working in the kitchen with a bunch of the Mexican gang. You can probably guess what happens here. Rape. And how. I don’t want to get too graphic because you should see it. I will tell you that it involves hair gel, a bag of rice and crazy looking knife. Sounds like Thursday night at my parents’ house. What? My parents like to party...


1. Blood In, Blood Out
My buddies Edwin and Marlon gave me a copy of this movie and asked me to duplicate it for them. When I asked them what it was, they schooled me. I was not ready. Holy hell. Blood In, Blood Out is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. It follows the intertwining lives of three Chicano relatives, Miklo, Cruz and Paco from 1972 to the mid 1980s. They start out as members of the street gang Vatos Locos in East L.A. By the end they are all changed beyond belief.

He's doing serious face/ silly face. My man is talented.

And now onto the rape! That’s what the article is about folks. So Miklo is half white and half Mexican. Unfortunately he gets sent to San Quentin. He’s not taken in by the Mexicans (La Onda) because he has to prove himself first and the Aryan inmates in the meantime are trying to make him into a sex slave. Talk about a rock and a hard place. Anyways this dude Popeye who seems cool enough is Milko’s only friend for a bit and one day he invites him into his cell for some moonshine. Miklo is down, walks in and is hit over the head. He turns to see Popeye who is literally salivating and demands some “White choon-choon”. I think I screamed when I saw this. The guy sells it that much. Later Miklo, now down with La Onda has to infiltrate the drug trade through this white trash guy named “Big Al” who runs the kitchen. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Wait till you see the guy. So rapey. So so rapey. Milko’s ass is grabbed by this guy at least 10 times. How does it end? Watch the movie. You won’t be sorry. ...actually you will be.

There it is my friends. What have we learned? If you go to jail, there’s a good chance you’ll be anally assaulted by a large man with a penchant for general creepiness. So again, don’t get caught!