CRAZY TRAIN.

"Black Gandalf. Ya'll ain't passin'."

New York City is like an amusement park with less pedophiles in clown makeup. Dodging the maniacal cab drivers is a warped version of the arcade classic Frogger. Walking through midtown is synonymous with bumper cars (except these cars might take your wallet or grab your crotch). Every cab is a kissing booth (Hopefully with your date and not the cab driver.) And of course the subway is a combination of the haunted house and the freak show.

If you live in or have ever been to New York, you know that a jaunt beneath the streets to the subway is like a harrowing fall into the inner sanctum of Gary Busey. It's either going to unexpectedly pleasant, a typical annoying spectacle or you might see an unhinged lunatic doing the unspeakable to himself and if given the chance you.

Recently while out to dinner with friends, we talked about the nutbag collective known as the NYC subway and tried to top each other with what we've seen over the years. It was hard to do as everybody's experience was pretty bananas. Here's a few of mine.

7. I Piss You Much. I Really Piss You Much.

So it's just another day in the dirty city and I'm on my way home after another crappy day of work. Today I'm the N train and the scent of crazy is in the air my friends. There's a woman in her forties sitting across from me and it's clear she's had a long day. It's about to get a bit longer.

To her left is a seemingly homeless man gyrating in his seat and holding an empty Pepsi bottle. I notice and assume he's had too much to drink. He looks at her. He looks at me. He looks at the empty bottle in his hand. He then shrugs, gets up, pulls his penis out and starts to piss in the bottle! As the woman shrieks in fear, out homeless friend tells her "Damn it's just some piss! Be cool bitch!" But let's not forget, this is the subway we're talking about; it ain't exactly the sturdiest place in the world. So as the train makes a turn, his urine stream misses the bottle and splashes on the woman's leg. As she screams in terror, homeless guy is still telling her to relax and I am struggling to hide my laughter. I do have to give the guy credit. He got most of it in the bottle.

6. Some Hearty Rat Fuckin'.

I'm on the subway platform waiting for the dreaded G train (slowest running train of all time) when I start to hear shrieking from a distance. It almost sounds like someone being pummeled from a few doors down. But this the subway and I'm fairly close to the end of the platform. I guess that there's a chance that someone is being hurt down the darkness of the subway tunnel.

So, bull-headed hero I am, I head towards the darkness but soon realize the sound is emerging from a collection of trash bags near the tunnel's entrance. I see a box of Popeye's chicken jostling furiously. I kick it to the side a bit and suddenly a pair of rats fall out mid hump. The noise was the worst part- It was almost as if I had interrupted my parents during the act according to the noise these vermin made. After they ran away a homeless guy came from out of the dark subway tunnel, looked down to where I had unearthed the pair and said "Jesus Christ. The city is fucking filthy." You said it buddy.

5. Bum Coitus

Let me preface this one with "Aaarrgh! Oh my god!" So it's been a hard day, I'm beat and the night will belong to Michelob. I'm on my way back to Brooklyn to drink heavily and do foolish things. I sit on the 5 train with my head back against the wall of the subway car, looking forward and notice two very dirty, bearded, homeless fellows sitting together. One has his head rested on the shoulder of the other one.

I stop and look at them for a minute and I kinda smile. That's not something you see too often with the homeless. Usually it's a solo affair, but in the middle of all that misery, difficulty and anxiety that comes with living on the street, these two friends have each other to rely on. It's a beautiful thing.

Then the man who was leaning on the other's shoulder looks at his friend fondly. He friend returns the caring glance and the two start to kiss passionately. (Scream!) I reel back in sheer terror. I could smell the men faintly from where I sat and could only imagine what senses the two were experiencing by kissing each other. (Scream again!) I nudge the businessman sitting next to me and motion towards the carnage across from us. He looks and repels in the same fashion. A few stops later the pair get up and leave the train. The businessman and I looked at each other in disbelief. He said to me "Pretty gross." I replied "Pretty fucking gross." (Scream!)

4. The Ashiest Penis Ever

I'm going back to high school for this gem. Hilarious! I was on my way home from school and the train was packed with students. Now when I was in high school, girls dressed pretty scantily; not too raunchy but some skin definitely showed. I was not the only one to realize this that day.

A few girls were standing and talking to each other as a very ragged old ashy black man sits across from the them. He's peering through halfway opened eyes and it almost looks as if he could be sleeping. I noticed a lot of movement in his lap, looked closer and said to myself "He's totally masturbating."

I let out a hearty laugh and stopped short; I kinda didn't want to blow his cover. The girls look towards me and see that I'm looking at him. As they turn so does the subway car and the rag atop of his midrift came flying off. He was masturbating and it was not a pretty sight. The girls screamed and ran to the other side of the car. The best part was that he didn't stop! He just kept chugging away. The entire car spread giving the man room. Now the best part may be that he kept going but I assure that was also the worst part. He finished himself off and we all saw it. We can never un-see it. Ugh, like the Ring; it haunts my dreams... Still very funny.

3. Shit Shat, That Homeless Dude Needs A Bath

There have been a ton of times whenI walked into a subway car and due to the stench of a passenger I had to go to the next car. It's a bummer. Not just for my nose, but for the unfortunate person who hasn't had a chance to bathe. You have to be a bit far gone to get that far I think. But now I was actually going to see it happen.

If I recall properly this was on the F train. An older crazy man was sitting on the train across from a wealthy looking couple. I was a few seats down watching as he proceeded to tell them how they weren't better than him "You ain't the king of the court! I'm a general of the fuck Army! No one tells me what to do! I'll kill your reality!" These are just a few samples of his genius ramblings I remember; He was hilarious. Then he topped himself.

I imagine he did this because he wanted the room to think to himself. He started to grimace at the couple; Yet he looked very focused. As I looked on I thought he was trying to pass gas. Instead he shit himself. That's right. He shit himself. I guess it was to prove he was better than the couple or maybe he was performance artist... The smell hit and he announced to the car "I have just shitted! Get the fuck out of my house!" We all obliged. It was some sad craziness disguised as Andy Kaufman brilliance.

2. Train Full Of Assholes

The problem with racism is that it leaves a mark wherever it treads. Be it a swastika, a lawn ornament or just a hateful comment. You can ignore it all you want, but you still feel something. It's the worst pollution there is; mind pollution. And that is exactly what happened on the uptown 2 train a few summers ago.

Summertime in New York is awful enough, but take about 70 people, put them in a train car and turn the A/C off? You have a recipe for hate right there. And if that wasn't enough, an old ragged woman got on the train this afternoon and just started yelling racial obscenities to everyone. She wasn't doing it properly though which one her one saving grace. She'd look at a Chinese man and scream "Nigger!" or she'd look at a Puerto Rican girl and scream "Cracker!" She called me a gook. (I actually think that is the worst racial insult behind nigger.)

We all reacted accordingly to her insanity as she moved to the next car but then the craziest thing happened. People started fighting. That's right, they just started arguing and even shoving each other. I couldn't believe it. So at the next stop I jumped off and waited for the next train. Only one other person did the same. As we watched the car pull away I said to him "What the hell was that?" He replied "That chick just infected all those fools with some hate son. That's the second time I saw that happen. Verbally transmitted disease yo." That's why now, I wear condoms on the subway.

1. The Upchuck Disco

Save the best for last? You be the judge. Late one night I was on my way to a party on the A train. The car was packed, and everybody was in a jovial mood. Then as the doors are about to close, this guy who's acting very dizzy jumps on the train. The doors shut, he moans loudly, puts his hands to his mouth and vomits on himself. It is covering his jacket and hands. Then the train starts.

For those of you who don't understand how catastrophic this is. Let me explain something about the A train; you cannot move from car to car. We are all trapped with this drunk maniac who is covered in his own upchuck. The train moves and we all scream. The drunk idiot starts to flail with his hands out up and down the train. People are jumping on the seats out of the way, everyone is panicked and there is nothing we can do about it. He fell on some lady and she was covered in it, he grabbed the pole and it was covered in it. He missed me by an inch; I jumped over a bench to get out of the way.

Then like a phoenix rising from the ashes, a random guy walked up and punched the drunk guy in the face knocking him out. It was a miracle. The random hero said nothing and went to go sit down. He looked at everyone who thanked him and said "Good job!" with a scowl. Then as we all got off at the next stop he just sat there. I never saw a real life superhero but in my world that dude is Batman.