CRAZY TRAIN.

"Black Gandalf. Ya'll ain't passin'."

New York City is like an amusement park with less pedophiles in clown makeup. Dodging the maniacal cab drivers is a warped version of the arcade classic Frogger. Walking through midtown is synonymous with bumper cars (except these cars might take your wallet or grab your crotch). Every cab is a kissing booth (Hopefully with your date and not the cab driver.) And of course the subway is a combination of the haunted house and the freak show.

Woman floats. Mysterious man follows and takes creepy photos.

Check out this blog here! Crazy awesome. Floating japanesey? Yes pleasey.

Why Do I Still Love Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Listening to “Stormbringer” by Deep Purple

"This is the face Arnold made after he can into his trailer and saw the painting of me below."

"It's a tribute... and kinda creepy."

By all logic I should dislike the guy, but god damn it, if he were here right now I’d wanna play Uno & make crank calls together. I wanna have a pizza party and watch Revenge of the Nerds with him. I want us to get 40’s and ride our bikes around town. If you’re close to my age you grew up watching Arnold in the coolest movies ever. Each movie trumping the prior. I’m not a super fan or anything, I do however associate him to my childhood; a fun time. A fond character from my youth like Grover from Sesame Street. Now that’s a crew! Plus there’s all the off-color stuff he said in the past, the naughty things he was accused of and some of the most amazing quotes ever mumbled by man.

Excuses excuses...

"I'm back with my new mustache! I call him untrustworthy. "

Hello again computerville.  I could list tons of excuses why I haven't blogged in a month and a half, but honestly who cares?

MOVIES THAT KEPT ME OUT OF JAIL

Listening to: “Don’t Talk To Me” by G.G. Allin & The Jabbers

Disclaimer: This post is about the butt and it’s desire to keep foreign objects from entering into it.

No one deserves to get sodomized against their will. Well... almost nobody.

I remember the first time I heard about the shenanigans that happen in the big house. I thought it was a joke cause there’s no way that happens in there. But it’s true. It’s twue, it’s twue. Yikes! And there’s nothing like a movie about jail to get my synapses popping and saying “Hey Kash, don’t go to jail, because they will rape your tender bottom.” I tensed up now just thinking about it. So here we are cadets. Five movies to keep you on the straight and narrow or just enough so you cover your tracks and don’t get caught.

My Breakfast with George Lucas!

Listening to: “The Liar” by The Adolescents

George saw a mouse at the race track and just leapt into my arms. What the hell am I gonna do with this guy?

       Before I start, let me say I was legitimately disappointed. The entire day was spent in disbelief because it was so real. Some of you will shake your heads, the rest will understand completely. If you are in the latter group we’ll have a drink later. If you haven't gathered it yet, this was only a dream. Sniff sniff... whimper. The best dream ever.

99 BOUNTY HUNTER NAMES FOR AN APOCALYPTIC FUTUREWORLD

Listening to "The Trees" by Rush

Like the duds? Good. This is what you'll be wearing. Now get in the back, cause the dog rides shotgun!

So If you're like me, you watch a lot of futuristic apocalyptic movies and you love em. One thing is for certain - the future is gonna have is a ton of killers and bounty hunters. But hey, we could succumb to a nuclear blast tomorrow folks... you’ve gotta be prepared!  If god forbid we suffer fallout and you find yourself with a cool new mutation and writer’s block, feel free to use one of the names I’ve supplied below.  They are in solo and group variety and I find it's best to read them aloud with some ominous music behind you. Enjoy!

1. Thrust Gyman
2. Miniature X
3. The Filipino Flame
4. Chinchy and Fenton
5. Jessica Bricktits
6. Huggy Bone
7. Brother Fucker
8. Nazi Breath
9. The Clueless Jew
10. Bobbi Pyn
11. Jamaicum Quakum
12. Hell Mutt
13. Ye Olde Moistman
14. The Uptown Blacks
15. The Toothless Shit