Listening to: “Oh No!” by Girl Talk
You might be wondering why Salacious Crumb didn't make the list. He's racist. Plain and simple.
Nowadays I consider myself to be more of an older gentleman, or fogey, if you will. One of the reasons for this is the cinema effects I grew up on. Sci-fi, horror and fantasy movies I used to watch were cluttered with puppets meant to portray aliens and abstract creatures that couldn't have existed any other way at the time. Were they cheap looking? Sure. Did I ever believe they were real? Of course I did. I was a kid. And maybe a little dim. But they were still phenomenal to see, especially when you fathom how these creatures’ facial features and bodies were articulated. And that brings us to the first random list of my blog. Rad Puppets in Adult Cinema. I stayed away from puppets that were performers in a full body costume. (Not an easy thing to do, by the way.) Let’s do this.
10. Sir Didymus from Labyrinth
Labyrinth falls in perfectly with Goonies, Ice Pirates and tons of flicks that represent me in my marker sniffing youth. Sometimes I still get drunk and sing “Dance Magic Dance” while laying on the floor. I hear it’s quite a sight. Plus you can’t argue with this fact. Little guys who like to fight are awesome. I don’t know if it’s because you think they’ll lose or you want to root for the underdog. Sir Didymus was a chivalrous fox-like creature that rode a sheep dog named Ambrosius around like a horse. He made this list because he was hilarious. He’s a terrier riding a sheep dog. That’s like having a man bike. He gets tossed around quite a bit also. Again it represents me in my youth.
“Excuse me sir, but rather than pushing me, might you consider pushing a Push pop?”
9. Pinhead & Tunneler from The Puppet Master
I love this flick because everything is stop animation mixed with puppetry. Pinhead was so notable because he had these huge human hands and a tiny noggin. Kinda like a long shoreman action figure. But as far as my favorite, it’s a toss up between him and Tunneler. This dude ran at people and drilled into their flesh with his head. And like I said, this is using stop animation which always looks dope. For some reason they never scared me, they were just too cool looking. I remember trying to make my own puppets in my room when this film had come out. No girlfriend that year. What a shocker.
8. Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : The Motion Picture
For my twelfth birthday I got this on videotape (vih-dee-yo-taip). I still have it and it still holds up. Plus the box says “Motion Picture” which I think sounds insanely ancient. Splinter’s not the most bad ass character or scary or anything. He’s just amazingly made. I saw a behind the scenes featurette on the creatures and it’s truly impressive. Jim Henson made the Splinter puppet for the film and it kicked ass. Plus his tag line of “I made a funny.” still makes me chuckle.
Splinter is here informing the craft service how big a proper hoagie should be.
7. Stripe from The Gremlins
I’m mentioning The Gremlins because of the deviant one called Stripe. And I’m not talking about him as a Gremlin, I mean when he’s a Mogwai. You gotta love him because he’s cute and kind of a dick. Like the kind of guy who pours salt in your milk or shakes up a can of soda before he hands it to you. I don’t support that behavior now of course but as an adolescent, sure. And you’ll notice if you go back and watch that movie, the Gremlins are killing people. A pretty ballsy move I think. I keep forgetting that and remember the sequel where they made all different versions of them like one with wings and a goofy one.
P.S. Yeesh... don’t watch that one cause it’ll kill the franchise for you.
6. Rock Biter from Neverending Story
“They look like good strong big hands, don’t they?” The answer is yes they do. They do look like big strong hands. I tend to say this as I grab on my girlfriend's breasts. She usually slaps them away with the quickness. Still, the rock biter is a great puppet. He’s a bit depressed and why not? He’s got bad skin, friends who rarely hang out with him and this huge void of nothing is rapidly approaching. He’s the puppet equivalent of the crotchety old guy on the bus. Except the Rock Biter doesn’t try to stroke my arm with his pinky finger. Note to self: Stop taking the bus.
He’s rating how depressed he is on a one to ten finger scale.
5. Baldie from The Ghoulies
So in this horrible film, an annoying bully has been running around this haunted house trying to screw the main character over. He’s kind of a dick head & therefore you end up not caring for him at all. Who cares if he dies? Suddenly something in the house spooks him and he runs to the bathroom to frantically drop a deuce. Right before he squats, the bald ghoulie pops his head up and shows his sharp teeth. The bully sits and screams in horror. Here’s what’s terrifying about that. You have no idea what exactly happened down there. Think about it. Yikes! I stood over the toilet for a week to poop after I saw this movie. I watched it again recently and realize how ridiculous it was. I still do it sometimes but now it’s for fun.
4. SkekSil the Chamberlain from The Dark Crystal
Remember these guys? If not, think Grover from Sesame Street on crack. And he’s really interested in everything you’re doing. After I saw this I remember my mom telling me “Okay, it’s time to stop now.” quite a bit. These guys were in charge of the “Garthim” crab creatures and tried to kill the Gelflings. The best one in my opinion was Skeksil the Chamberlain. He was the Starscream of the group. Very treacherous, underhanded and self involved. I’m imitating him right now. Mmmmmmm!!!!
Someone told him this boulder had a lot of cracks. He clearly misunderstood them.
3. Wynyard the Frog from Meet The Feebles
I still meet people that haven’t seen this thing yet. If you’re one of them, you have to. It is insane. It’s the Muppets show with drugs, sex, murder and last but not least sodomy. There’s actually a music number that goes “Sodomy, I enjoy the act of sodomy...” Thank you Peter Jackson. He made this masterpiece after he made Bad Taste. Both cult classics. I pay honor to Wynyard the Frog because essentially he’s Kermit as a junkie. Plus he has violent shell shock flashbacks from his time served in Vietnam. You can’t make that up. Peter Jackson did.
.
This is a frog puppet about to shoot up heroin.
2. The Thing from The Thing
Holy god. I love this movie. Now you might disagree with me when I say the Thing is a puppet and that it’s more a special effects melee. To which I’ll say “It’s my list. Screw off.” He was totally a puppet! If anything he was 3 or 4 different puppets. I'm talking about him with a wolf head, human head, finger legs and ball of bloody flesh body. So awesome to behold. This movie is in my top twenty. I go nerdy for it. So nerdy, a few years ago I started writing a screenplay for the story of the Norwegian research team in Antarctica that unearths the beast from a submerged ice cap. A friend told me of plans already in action to make the prequel. I was not pleased but I hope it’s good.
Think a pile of moving General Tso’s chicken with dog’s heads.
1. Yoda from Star Wars
If you know me personally, don't act surprised. You knew this was coming. Yoda is the greatest puppet ever made. I’m totally biased. I have the old school CBS/FOX videotapes of the original three Star Wars films. I watched Empire the other day and honestly the pre-rendered films are great because the CG is limited and the puppets are all over the place. Yoda especially because he supposed to look old and decrepit. It’s not the new version who is more reminiscent of a Sesame Street character. You know how good it looks? I think he’s real. Right now at 32 I think Yoda is real. Prove me wrong. I’ll still believe it. I’m comfortable with my ignorance.
See? He's Real. Recognize.
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