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Why Do I Still Love Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Listening to “Stormbringer” by Deep Purple

"This is the face Arnold made after he can into his trailer and saw the painting of me below."
"It's a tribute... and kinda creepy."

By all logic I should dislike the guy, but god damn it, if he were here right now I’d wanna play Uno & make crank calls together. I wanna have a pizza party and watch Revenge of the Nerds with him. I want us to get 40’s and ride our bikes around town. If you’re close to my age you grew up watching Arnold in the coolest movies ever. Each movie trumping the prior. I’m not a super fan or anything, I do however associate him to my childhood; a fun time. A fond character from my youth like Grover from Sesame Street. Now that’s a crew! Plus there’s all the off-color stuff he said in the past, the naughty things he was accused of and some of the most amazing quotes ever mumbled by man.

5. The Movies

A is for Action, Arnold and A shitload of awesome movies that he made in the eighties. I think that my brother and I could quote the entire screenplay of  Commando by the age of 12. What does that tell you? (Besides the fact that I was raised by television.) It should tell you that Schwarzenegger movies were made specifically for my generation. I played Total Recall for my 10 year old cousin the other day and not only did he refer to it as “weak shit” but he also said it was “hella dumb.” A well deserved wet willy followed. Sure if you quote Terminator 2 nowadays there’s a 50% chance someone's not going to get it. And so what if they don’t. F’ em.  These movies came out a long time ago. Let these new kids look at Vin Diesel as an action hero. I’d take the Kindergarten Cop over the Pacifier any day.

"He's telling the kid he has nothing left to live for and he should jump. What? Arnold don't care."

I’m not even really an action film guy but man I love Arnold’s old movies. Conan, Predator, The Running Man & the Terminator. These flicks are always going to be amazing to me. Why? Because they’re not trying to be something they’re not. It’s about Arnold showing up, breaking someone’s legs, saving the world and boning some hot chica. Ahhh, the eighties.... Not too PC right? An those movies never will be. At least not until Hollywood remakes them.

4. The Funnest Voice Ever (besides maybe Christopher Walken)
Remember late 80’s- early 90’s standup? Blech! Me too. Everybody and their mother did a Schwarzenegger impression cause it’s an easy laugh. Literally everybody. My mom does one and it’s hilarious. I heard there is application you can purchase to have your computer speech sould like him! If I had that I would errors on purpose! Do it right now. Say anything as him. You’re smiling aren’t you? Yes you are you little liar! My buddy Jed acts like Arnold asking for directions and I transform into a giggling 5 year old child. His voice is magic!
"Sure it looks weird, but he's singing the sweetest version of 'America' you've ever heard." 

I remember when someone gave me a soundboard of Schwarzenegger back in the day.  That was a fun week for me and a bad one for whoever I called. I had his voice down so perfect at one point I was doing sexy talk in his voice to my girlfriend at the time. Long story short, we broke up. I had to choose between the impression or her. I think it’s obvious who came out on top in that equation.

3. The Carnival in Rio Video 

First things first, watch this.

Holy shit right? He’s a total pervert! It’s almost like he’s hearing what he shouldn’t do next from you and then he does it. It’s Arnold without a cap, flowing like ass grabbing wine. I heard he was accused of sexual harassment a while ago and was almost proud. Fucked up I know, but what do you expect from me? I’m living my wealthy perverted dream of life through him.

2. This really funny story I heard (possibly bullshit)

Okay, this is very irresponsible from the view of a journalist; but if you refer to me as a journalist, you are are very irresponsible. This girl I know, Linda told me this story when I lived in Hollywood. She was doing publicity for a nameless movie studio and was at an industry party in the Hollywood hills one night. She was shocked to see Arnold there and after a while she was introduced to him. The two were standing near the pool and after some typical banter back and forth, Arnold pulled out this gem. He reportedly said “You know Linda, I think I’d like to stick my finger in your asshole. I think you’d like it.” Linda walked away and tried to hold in her laughter.

"Oooohh... He likes you! He's gonna use two fingers!"

Like I said before, this could be bullshit, but I hope it’s not. What if he did this? Pretty bold Arnold. If you fire blindly, you’re bound to hit something. The best part of this is the end of the tale. Linda told me that when she was leaving the party, everyone said “Bye!” and waved to her. Arnold apparently only waved his finger. Delicious.


Because of Arnold every time I plunge a knife into some one's chest, I say “Stick around.”

Because of Arnold every time I leave a room and come back to kill someone I say “I’ll be back.”

Because of Arnold every time I sacrifice myself to save my friends I say “Get to the chopper!”

Because of Arnold every time I give a breast exam and feel nothing I say “It’s not a tumor.”

Because of Arnold every time I rob someone I start with “Give me your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.”

Because of Arnold every time I rescue someone in the past I say “Come with me if you want to live.”

Because of Arnold every time I’m asked what is best in life I say “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”

Because of Arnold every time I drop some one off a cliff’s edge and they say they thought I was going to kill them last I say “I lied.”

Because of Arnold every time I cut myself while cooking I say “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Because of Arnold every time I’m about to infiltrate a compound I knock on the door and say “Can I speak to the drug dealer of the house please?”

Because of Arnold every time I make a mistake on a drawing I fix it and say “You’ve just been erased.”

Because of Arnold every time I got the bathroom after eating Mexican I look at the toilet and say “I’ll show you collateral damage.”

Because of Arnold every time I end an article about him I say “Hasta La Vista bitches.”

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